FEAR Part II

From conception to fruition, how long into the process of creating and living your first dream do you begin to feel like the sky is falling, the walls are closing in and your face is covered in brick dust from hitting the preverbal wall.? 

 

When does that feeling go away?

 

I’ve been dreaming of releasing my own music for a long time. I’m actually old enough to remember when CDs first made their appearance to the music world. My first CD was “And In This Corner” by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. Every since, I’ve wanted to make one of my own.

 

I’m thirty three and I’m almost completely finished with my first. I’ve been saying almost for a long time. It suddenly dawned on me, as I was listening to a couple of my tracks on my iPod to figure out where my adjustments needed to be made, I’m really doing this. It was like a Jacky Chan kick to the face. That’s when everything shut down. I have two songs to complete. One is half done and the other is just about ninety percent there but I just can’t get them to sound right to my own ears.

 

I tried laying down the vocals on the half finished song and became so frustrated with the fact that my voice sounded so horrible to me that I tore up the lyrics and vowed to rewrite the song to suit the way I was feeling about it. That was almost three months ago.

 

The song that’s ninety percent complete just sounds like crap now that I compare it to the rest of the work I’ve done that I want to start all over again but I’m too afraid of trying to do that only to make it worse.

 

These are the times I wrote about in a previous blog. The fear takes hold from the inside, corrupting and contaminating everything your mind touches. The key is to realize that it’s all just an illusion. It’s easier said than done, especially when it comes to such endeavors of the soul.

 

I tried explaining this to a non-musician and, after a couple of hours of discussion, I came up with a great way to describe it.

 

Take your favorite thing. It has to be the one thing in this world you can’t live without. Now, let’s give it life. We’ll give it sentience – a soul and you can name it. Nurture it. Care for it. Watch it grow and learn and develop as you do the same. Become as one with it. Now, let’s tie you to a wall and set it in the middle of the room before you. A masked figure enters the room and begins to beat it unmercifully as you watch helplessly. It struggles but cannot fight back. It just wont die. It squirms and twitches, flinching with each swing as it cries out for you to help. The figure removes the mask only to reveal your face. It’s not a copy. It’s you and as the you that is and the you that was looks down upon your precious, beloved “it”, it’s face is yours as well. That is about a tenth of the feeling of this creative block.

 

(I just scared myself. I mean… who thinks like that? I really need to finish writing my book before someone thinks I’m a danger to society.)

 

I had experienced a long drought – writers block – some time ago that depressed me to the point of wanting to throw in the towel. Try as I might, I could not put two lines on paper, come up with a melody or even find two words that would rhyme for some time. I couldn’t understand what was damming the creative stream.

 

I started listening to my iPod without using the play lists. I set it to play all songs and shuffle. I pretended it was a radio with only one station and I had to listen. The songs that I would normally skip until I felt the mood to listen to them would play and I would listen. My favorites would play and I would listen. Then… one song shone through as just what I needed to hear. I remembered when this song first played on the radio. I remember I was cleaning my parent’s backyard and listening to something that made me feel like somebody get’s it. It was Sunshower, by Chris Cornell.

 

I automatically hit repeat. I must have listened to it about fifteen times in a row before I realized how the time had passed, all my work was done and I was just sitting on the side of the bed with that feeling of just having been on a much-needed vacation. It was a feeling I’ve always wanted to produce with my music.

 

I’ve gotten close. I’ve seen it in the eyes of some of my listeners. I picked up a pen and started writing. I started humming. I started writing to what I was humming. I started feeling and it was good.

 

You never know when or where these sparks of inspiration ignite your innovative fuel.

 

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that there will always be a way out of a dry spell if you’re open enough to find it. No matter what, you should never let yourself be tied down and don’t allow yourself to feel beaten because the only one that is beating you, is you.

 

I guess the only one beating me, is me…

 

Pardon me. I have some recording to do.

 

~KANE~

Gigging in New York (Experience)

Venue Review I & II

 

So… you’re a musician, ready to play and looking for a gig. I’m sure you’ve already found a load of articles on how to book shows or have at least gotten a bit of information from venues on what you need. One tip I will give you is this. If a venue has information on their website on what you need to do in order to book a show, read it. Don’t just skim. I used to have a bad habit of doing that. Follow it to the letter. It will work in you favor much more so than just sending them a CD the might never listen to without seeing other things for which they’ve asked.

 

This is about my personal experience with some of the venues I’ve played. I’ll give you the good and the bad as I’ve seen it.

 

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Section I – 169 Bar, Lower East Side, NYC

 

As you travel around, if you’re familiar with the city of New York, you’ll notice that some of the best venues are no longer around and it breaks my heart. Places like The Baggot Inn, The Elbow Room, CBGB’s, The Lion’s Den, Downtime, have all vanished into the mist for one reason or another.

 

One place that seems to be hunting and trapping a lot of artists in the city is 169 Bar. I remember receiving a message in my MySpace mailbox saying they wanted to book me. Well, I had been gigging for some time but I had never played there so I made contact with the booking agent, set the date and time and proceeded to promote.

 

I had asked about a cover and was told not to worry about it. I should have known then that something was up. The person to whom I spoke didn’t say there was no cover. He said “Don’t worry about it.” I was too excited about playing another new venue to pay attention.

 

Along with that, they offered, through Lower East Side (LES) Productions, to take a video and give me a DVD of the show for $35.00. Hell yeah. That’s awesome.  I can’t wait.

 

Come the night of the show, I enter to find the bar is just Dive enough to look cool. The performance space – stage, if you will – was set in a corner with your back to a huge window. The house gear was kind of beat up but that happens. The acoustics weren’t spectacular but we’re not playing Carnegie Hall. (yet) . Someone said to me that the sound guy was also part owner. I never found out if that were true but if he was, I don’t know where he got his business sense. He barely paid any attention to us. He didn’t give us any sort of real sound check and off we go with out first song.

 

Some of my friends came in as we were setting up so I didn’t have a chance to talk to them. A few more came as we were playing the first couple tunes and more still half way through the set. People are late to gigs from time to time. It happens.

 

Our time was up – quicker than anticipated. Our set was cut a bit short because they started us out late. I was almost glad because the sound guy still paid no attention to our needs. I wasn’t happy to be cut off because we were promised a full set.

 

One of my friends comes over to me after to inform me that she was charged $10 at the door. Another said the same. I asked about it and the booking guy – who also happened to be the one taking the video – said that he told me about that. NO. Wait a minute. Weren’t you the door guy too?

 

I pack up my gear in a huff as this same, multi-talented man walks over and hands me a mini DV cassette. What am I supposed to do with this? He tells me it’s the “Industry standard” format for video. I don’t give a fuck. Where’s my DVD? That costs a little extra. “FUCK YOU A LITTLE EXTRA!”

 

I nearly gave up on performing that night. To top it all off. Some of my friends weren’t even counted at the door because the came a bit late into the set. The still paid. I didn’t even argue. I just got the hell out of there and vowed never to book there again.

 

I have played there after that; only because I was sitting in with friends that were booked there and had asked me to play with them. I’ve heard that things have changed a bit there but that whole thing about being once bitten holds very true in this case.

 

 

Section II – The Bitter End, Greenwich Village, NYC

 

There is a reason that this place is world famous. It’s reputation is well earned and though it’s a bit intimidating for some, I would tell anybody to play here if you want to know what it feels like to be a star if only for one night.

 

6:00PM – Hanging out, outside the door with my guitar slung over my shoulder in an old, beat up gig bag, my amp and a half smoked cigarette, I felt cool. I looked cool. I should have had someone take a picture. It wasn’t me. It was the place.

 

I’ve sat in with bands and I’ve come to see bands at this place and each time I think I know what to expect but it gets me every time. That kick in the chest from the invisible centurion asking you if you think you’re worthy. It’s not butterflies. It’s pterodactyls fighting to the death in your gut. What a great feeling.

 

I played there back in 96 for the first time. My old band was a fun little project and we weren’t super awesome or anything like that but we  loved. We set up and did a sound check. It was quick but it was thorough and we were amazed at how we sounded when we took off into our first song. All the way through the set, I could hear the minor adjustment made by the sound guy. Most people would never have noticed it but I always pay very close attention to things like that even when I’m in the audience.

 

When we came down from the stage, the transition was smooth and elegant from show to business and back to fun. I stuck around to hear some of the other bands and we were treated like any performing musician want to be treated by a venue – like we matter. I’ve played there several times, sitting in with other people and it has never changed. My friend Jason Vitelli had his CD release at the Bitter end this past year. I played with him n a couple songs and got the same feeling all over again. Not only was I playing with a fantastic musician but I was in a place that felt like heaven.

 

I’ve never felt shafted or slighted, neglected or out of place at The Bitter End and I recommend to any musician that’s any good, can draw a crowd and wants to know what it feels like to be a rock star, look into playing The Bitter End. Once my CD is done, I’ll be holding my release there as well.

 

Also… look for Jason Vitelli’s CD, No Photographs on iTunes. You’ll dig it. To find out more, check out www.roomfulofsky.com or www.myspace.com/jasonvitellimusic online. You can find them through my website as well. www.bobbykanemusic.com

 

~KANE~

GOAL?

Setting goals is something that just about everyone does. The true test is how many of us follow through.

 

I’ve set a great many goals for myself throughout the years and, much to my dismay, have followed through on very few. For a long time, lack of self-esteem and fear of failure made it very difficult to have a positive outlook about things that were not sitting right in front of my face – things that had already proven themselves unlikely to jump up and bite me in the ass.

 

Fear is a killer. It’s like a poison that gradually works its way under your skin, into your blood, corrupting your mind, heart and soul piece by helpless piece until you whither and die inside. It had been sickening me for so long; I forgot what it was like to feel.

 

Slowly, that has been changing. I’ve noticed myself taking more chances and following through on more of my goals. Baby steps seem to be working.

 

When I was younger, my greatest fears were of being accepted or not being accepted. Both sides of that coin frightened me. I found, in the latter stages, my biggest fears centered on money. If I buy this, or invest in that, would I have enough to live? What happens if I have to move, or lose my job? These questions plagued me without cease. To a point, they always will. What does happen in those cases?

 

I’ve gone from having a great life with a healthy income to not knowing where I was going to sleep or if I would have a roof over my head. I know what that’s like. I’ve picked up the tab for my friends at dinner. I’ve also accepted scraps as my only source of a meal.

 

You would think that living through such extremes would cause me to go crazy and hide myself from the rest of the world, or worse. No. That’s not me.. I did get close to packing it all in and giving up. When music is you blood, you would be surprised how many time you feel that way but you can’t do it. Not only did these experiences fail to break me, they have strengthened my resolve. Though, at times, I still find myself ravaged by fear, I have been able to push through in many cases and take calculated risks.

 

“Don’t be afraid to take that big step. Lucky Numbers 4,8,16,24,36,40”

 

Those words were hidden inside one of the best fortune cookies I’ve ever eaten. I keep that fortune with me. I’m beginning to listen to its message. Instead of running to the edge of the precipice and leaping into the mist, with no sight of the other side, I’m setting little goals for myself – building a bridge across the abyss – constructing it stone by stone. Though I would rather fly than walk, I would truly rather walk than splatter.

 

My newest goal it to obtain another show quality guitar – one that I don’t have to fix every five minutes, and a new amplifier. I love Line 6 amps. I’m super picky about guitars. Epiphone/Gibson and Jackson have been my absolute favorites for as long as I can remember. Schecter has been impressing the hell out of me lately. Thus, my current goal is to obtain a new Line 6 Amp and a Schecter, Diamond Series guitar. I’m giving myself two months to make it happen. That’s not to say that if it doesn’t happen in two months, I’m just going to forget about it. I’m giving myself the deadline in order to push myself to make it happen. I’m also holding fast to the mental attitude that it has already happened, it just needs to manifest before me. You wouldn’t believe how well that works and how much good it does for the soul. The effect as well as the affect of such a positive, self-reinforcement is immeasurable.

 

The fear is still a factor but I’m growing ever stronger. I shall endure.

 

 

~KANE~

This is just a start

And so the story goes...

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It's not easy being a broke musician in New York. I should know. It's even tougher when you once had everything going for you only to have it all vanish. Starting over is a bitch. 

Music is the key to my salvation. It is the essence of my immortal soul and the mortar that bind me in those times when I feel I could just fall apart. 

I have often said "Without my music, I would shatter." It is the passion of my life. 

Now that I've gotten all that out... There's more to come. I'm off to do a show.