GOAL?

Setting goals is something that just about everyone does. The true test is how many of us follow through.

 

I’ve set a great many goals for myself throughout the years and, much to my dismay, have followed through on very few. For a long time, lack of self-esteem and fear of failure made it very difficult to have a positive outlook about things that were not sitting right in front of my face – things that had already proven themselves unlikely to jump up and bite me in the ass.

 

Fear is a killer. It’s like a poison that gradually works its way under your skin, into your blood, corrupting your mind, heart and soul piece by helpless piece until you whither and die inside. It had been sickening me for so long; I forgot what it was like to feel.

 

Slowly, that has been changing. I’ve noticed myself taking more chances and following through on more of my goals. Baby steps seem to be working.

 

When I was younger, my greatest fears were of being accepted or not being accepted. Both sides of that coin frightened me. I found, in the latter stages, my biggest fears centered on money. If I buy this, or invest in that, would I have enough to live? What happens if I have to move, or lose my job? These questions plagued me without cease. To a point, they always will. What does happen in those cases?

 

I’ve gone from having a great life with a healthy income to not knowing where I was going to sleep or if I would have a roof over my head. I know what that’s like. I’ve picked up the tab for my friends at dinner. I’ve also accepted scraps as my only source of a meal.

 

You would think that living through such extremes would cause me to go crazy and hide myself from the rest of the world, or worse. No. That’s not me.. I did get close to packing it all in and giving up. When music is you blood, you would be surprised how many time you feel that way but you can’t do it. Not only did these experiences fail to break me, they have strengthened my resolve. Though, at times, I still find myself ravaged by fear, I have been able to push through in many cases and take calculated risks.

 

“Don’t be afraid to take that big step. Lucky Numbers 4,8,16,24,36,40”

 

Those words were hidden inside one of the best fortune cookies I’ve ever eaten. I keep that fortune with me. I’m beginning to listen to its message. Instead of running to the edge of the precipice and leaping into the mist, with no sight of the other side, I’m setting little goals for myself – building a bridge across the abyss – constructing it stone by stone. Though I would rather fly than walk, I would truly rather walk than splatter.

 

My newest goal it to obtain another show quality guitar – one that I don’t have to fix every five minutes, and a new amplifier. I love Line 6 amps. I’m super picky about guitars. Epiphone/Gibson and Jackson have been my absolute favorites for as long as I can remember. Schecter has been impressing the hell out of me lately. Thus, my current goal is to obtain a new Line 6 Amp and a Schecter, Diamond Series guitar. I’m giving myself two months to make it happen. That’s not to say that if it doesn’t happen in two months, I’m just going to forget about it. I’m giving myself the deadline in order to push myself to make it happen. I’m also holding fast to the mental attitude that it has already happened, it just needs to manifest before me. You wouldn’t believe how well that works and how much good it does for the soul. The effect as well as the affect of such a positive, self-reinforcement is immeasurable.

 

The fear is still a factor but I’m growing ever stronger. I shall endure.

 

 

~KANE~